To The Boy I Never Loved.
(I CHANGED DOMAIN SO THIS IS ACTUALLY A FEW MONTHS OLD AND REPOSTED)
I don't really know where to start with this one if I'm honest. You were there for me for all the time we spoke, and we were together. You gave me chance after chance to try harder and I never took the opportunity. I must be honest with you, I just wasn't ready for the level of commitment you wanted from me, I was only sixteen. You were four years older than me, already considered an adult. You always saw me as a child and pushed for me to be more mature than was possible for me.
The first time we planned to meet, I kept postponing it constantly because even though I was immature, I still understood society enough to know there were "bad" people out there. We eventually met though, and it was one of the best days I'd ever had. Just spending time with you and getting to know you. I remember being upset when you had to go home because those few hours weren't enough for me.
You lived over 5 hours away by train. With 4 different changes by train. I thought any chance of us being together was completely fiction. It wasn't probable that we'd meet and see each other and make something of it. But you made me see that it was something worth fighting for, I guess?
We eventually started going out, officially that is, and I remember being happy? I think so at least. We only saw each other every few weeks but those two days a month were my highlight. When we didn’t meet up, we’d constantly Skype and talk on the phone together. I think the worst part was when one of us was upset, we couldn’t really help the other apart from a text saying, “I wish I was there”. It isn’t as comforting as you might think.
You weren’t a particularly affectionate person. You only showed it when you thought you might lose me. I was a clingy fuck when I was sixteen, I suppose you could say I still am. But you never showing any feelings for me just felt like you were pushing me away.
I remember the last time we met up, you told me you loved me. That was the first time I think you had ever shown me true emotion. But I couldn’t say it back. I have never loved anyone. I doubt I ever will. I never even came close to it. When we met up that final time, you told me about how I could move in with you, leaving my whole family behind. How you wanted to get engaged as soon as you bought a ring and married when I turned eighteen. About how you wanted children straight away, that you would support me after you would get me pregnant at sixteen.
That night you went home. I loved that you said all of that. And I loved that you wanted all of it. But I didn’t love you. And I hated that you wanted it all with me because I wanted none of it with you. I’d wasted almost a year of both of our time, out of comfortableness and convenience. You never had service on the trains on your way home so you would always text me when you were back safe.
In those 5 hours of waiting for that text, I had no clue what was going to say to you. My mind was blank, and my heart was empty, I suppose. But the moment I received your text saying, “I’m home”, I knew what I had to say to you. Within 5 minutes after, we were both single, you were angry, and I was still empty. I felt lighter though, like a weight off my shoulders. We still message each other from time to time, a catch up to see how the other was doing.
The last time we spoke you asked for another chance and I said “no”. I’ve grown up, I’ve had kids and been engaged and moved too many times to count. But whenever I imagine me and you together again, I go back to me being sixteen and knowing, without a fucking doubt, that I couldn’t be what you wanted. I had my own identity and life and you wanted to take me away from it all.
The last time we spoke you were working full time, but you were always a part of the local motorcycle gang in your area, the type that aren’t on the right side of the law. You wanted me to be a part of that, by your side. But it wasn’t safe. You weren’t safe. You would never be an option for me.
The last time we spoke, after I told you that we were over four years ago and there was no coming back for that, you called me every name you could think of. But every feeling I had for you, even though it wasn’t love, had died back when I was sixteen. And as you kept typing over and over to me, I just smiled. Because being free of something that only bought you down, it’s fucking amazing. We haven’t spoken since.
I’m not writing this to say you were the problem. You weren’t. In fact, you had your life together more than anyone I knew. And still do. I wrote it because I need to say sorry. You were such a lovely guy. You took risks and you didn’t stick to the rules. You saw life as we had all the time in the world. But all the commitments were too much. I feel like I took you for granted and I have ALWAYS felt guilty for that.
So if there is ever a day where you see this or I finally send it to you, I am sorry. But I am not sorry that we went our own ways. I had different jobs, boyfriends, colleges and now I have two beautiful kids. And I feel like I owe that to you. You wanting to settle down made me panic, leading to me doing the exact opposite. And for the last four years I have lived my life in ways I never imagined. So yes, I am sorry. I am always so thankful.
We won’t talk again. I know that for a fact. I have you blocked on everything you could possibly contact me with. But I hope you have the life you wanted, live the life you saw for yourself and find the girl who fits it all perfectly.
Goodbye.
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